Blue light – like a friend

I’m sure there are so many people that come into your, your or your .. life. Me too. I can say that I can’t remember all of their names because some people just come and go. Some people just have some stories with you in a moment of time. After that, they’re gone.

But I don’t only remember just the people that I want to remember. Some of them, maybe they want me to forget them but I can’t.

I really can’t.

I have many friends. But .. some said “what does friend mean?” Why did you call those kind of people “friends”? .. I’m sorry, in English I call them friend. But in thai – I have the other names to call them.

I miss some of my friends who now disappear from my life. Some we lost contact, some we still have each other contact info but we didn’t contact each other. Maybe it’s sound exaggerated if I say I think they miss me too but actually I know.

One of my “friends” told me “we’re not disappear from each other but we just don’t see each other”. Yes, because we have a connection.

I used to have one friend who didn’t contact me every day or at lease every week or even every month like the others do but this friend just told me where to meet next time. Even it’s in a few months but yeah “we will meet there in 2 months” and within these two months, i never have a contact from this friend.

This remind me of one scene of Before sunset. The actor told the actress to come to meet at that time and they lost contact – so the guy thought that a woman didn’t show up. Ok, she didn’t show up but she can’t – not because she doesn’t want to go.

But for me and this friend, I showed up and my friend always showed up. We don’t have to say hello everyday. We don’t have to talk to each other everyday. But we know that “one day” we meet again. And yes, we did. We made a promise and we did as we promise.

I don’t expect that I’m gonna meet someone like this. Because I think no one can be like this.It’s too funny to be like my friend. Now we lost connection. I cut off – i did it. I’m not sorry because destiny leaded me this way.

I’m happy with a position I stand for now.

But in my life I have also lost the others who came into my life in the different time. For example, my good friend in the university, my best friend in school, my great friend in primary school… I don’t know where are they.

I used to talk a lot to one friend long time ago. She called me often. But I don’t think I’m close to her. When she has the problem she called me, I listened to her, talked to her, helped her feel better. She thought I am her good friend. Maybe I am good to her but I’m not her best friend. But she didn’t think like that. She thought when she thinks I’m her bestfriend – i would think the same. And she expected me to do that.

one day, I told her “Don’t expect too much in life because it will hurt you. If you want to give someone a hundred points, don’t expect that you’ll get the hundred points back. If you want to give, just give. And if no one gives you back, don’t angry. Just be happy when you want to give and you give”.

I don’t want to hurt her. But how can I tell her that she’s my best friend if she’s not the one that I can share everything with. Not because she doesn’t want to listen to me. But I don’t share to her too. I don’t know why but I don’t want to share. But I always listen to her.

I used to be a person who always calls my friends everyday. I used to be the one that my friends called me everyday. I used to be a person who always goes out with my friends everyday. Now I become a person who don’t give any call everyday and I don’t go out everyday. I’m happy to be alone in my small place – like a chicken in the egg that maybe some people feel strange with it. But i call it home – even it doesn’t look like home but it is a place I live.

Now I only talk to my best friends which I have not a lot.

I think it’s enough.

I used to think that everyone is my friends. Now I asked myself the same “what does “friend” mean?” In one day I have to meet many people. Who are they? For example if I’ve met 30 people, do they all friends? I don’t think that all of them will care for me. I don’t think that all of them would like to talk to me. I don’t think that all of them who already have my email, my mobile’s number or even my address would like to email, to call or to come to visit me. Maybe none of them will do.

The people who care for me are not one of them.

Sometimes I’m scare of relationship. Because I don’t know what they expect. If they don’t, happy for them. But if they do, I don’t know how to do. I’m not that so good. I can’t smile to people all the time. I have my space. I have my life. I have a moment that I want to be alone. Sometimes I want to go with Q but I don’t want to go with T but I have to go with Q and T. (just the fake names anyway) I know that sometimes they think the same. And maybe they don’t know know how to do too! But most of the time, straight talk hurts people. So what should we do? Quiet? Tell them a lie? Keep it and feel pain for it?

Even i don’t want to care but I do care, don’t I?

Enough …

I’m not so bad … but i’m going to do the right thing for the right ones.

note : I love this song, LIKE A FRIEND by PULP – dedicated to people i met who used to be friends

~ by Newtampo on February 21, 2009.